January went by so quickly I didn’t even realise I didn’t do a monthly update, per agreement with my PR team. Instead, I happily went about life, creating a series of posts to help others stick to their goals, and planning for the future. After all, helping other people is so much more interesting to me. Then, of course, I realised what I was up to and panicked. Ah, the life of a startup.

I digress. Let me start back at the beginning.

What has been keeping me too occupied to write about myself has been even more interesting. I’ve been working on systems for Insanitek to make everything better and more smooth for everyone. I started with the INK writers and moved on to client onboarding and intake. This was difficult since I had to find software that would make the process smooth and effortless for everyone involved.

Making systems are probably one of my favourite things to do behind the scenes. I like when things work smoothly and effortlessly for everyone involved. Every year I try to make tweaks, but tweaks weren’t good enough this time. We just grew too quickly last year so the system needed to be redone entirely. It’s actually quite nice to work from the ground up, hear from my team and “employees”, and find out what’s working and what’s not working.

To me, this is not just an exercise.

It’s a time to get reacquainted with my teammates, hear from them on every facet of life and work, and build something better. My favourite is hearing about how the system we’ve set up here at Insanitek helps them fulfill their missions elsewhere. Some of them really like that they are completely independent, others love that they are building their empires, while still another joy I hear about the Insanitek mission as a whole is that they feel like they are doing something better for the world.

This makes my heart sing. I always wanted to build something bigger than myself. Now, I’m doing that with a great team of people right here with me wanting to see it through to the end. Some people would say I’m blessed, but I really think it’s good luck coupled with finding the right people from the pool of applicants that ask for a shot. Really. It also really helps that my teammates help me learn their jobs so I can better understand what the systems need to make the whole of Insanitek better. For example, Rachel taught me some basics about graphic design. I can now apply text on top of pre-made elements to create a graphic that isn’t half bad. From Alesi I have been learning marketing, and while I have a lot ways to go, I’m learning what it really takes to reach out and nurture relationships. (Hint: no selling necessary.)

Now, we’re hiring a new round of writers, and I’ve heard back from a few of the old ones telling me what was and wasn’t working about the system. While I’m interviewing them, I make sure they understand what being part of a startup is all about, and encourage them to give regular feedback.

At least I can say I’m not a tyrant.

Still, all this growth has me on edge. I’m nervous that I’ll somehow manage to cock it up. I don’t have people relying on Insanitek as their sole income and livelihood, but that does little to assuage my nerves.

Apparently growth terrifies me, but why?

I’m afraid of:

• having to admit I was wrong and grew too quickly.
• having to disappoint my team of hard workers.
• having to start over.
• having to face financial hardship that could lead to places I’d rather not think of… or live again.
• having to feel negativity.
• having to explain how I screwed it up so I can do better next time.

All of these are completely natural fears, and just about any business owner feels them when building up something they are really attached to. And, I’m attached to Insanitek. So are the people who work with me. We don’t want to see this dream die.

This roller coaster ride of managing a startup is hellish. If I’m not on the urge of a nervous breakdown due to growth mixed with unsurety, then I’m pacing back and forth frantically trying to figure out some way to elevate the company to that next level so it can be what it was designed to be: A big enough company to support thousands of researchers and inventors, a place where kids can go to get hands on training for science, and a fun place to work.

So, instead of questioning my decision to hire another few writers and guide Insanitek into the next phase, I should accept the good fortunes I’ve crafted thus far. It’s time to grow, and grow we are doing. Just slowly. And slowly doesn’t scare the ever-living shit out of me.