This past month I’ve taken a rather unplanned hiatus due to the flu. I came home from tutoring one evening, passed out on the couch, and didn’t wake up until three days later. When I did wake up, it was pure Hell. The first thing that went through my head was, “Why don’t I have a real job that has sick leave?”

Oi. Not exactly a vote of confidence, is it?

One of the things I’ve heard over and over again since starting my own company from others is something along the lines of “get a real job”. It always starts out with the same notes of concern:

• How will you pay for health care?
• How will you pay for retirement?
• How will you pay your bills?

Then they have no idea what I mean when I say, “You pay for it, just like you do with a paycheck in any other job.” In a “real” job, you pay for these things right away. All those deductibles coming out of your paycheck? Those are for your taxes, healthcare, and 401K. The difference lies in someone taking it right out of your paycheck and you are paying it yourself from your paychecks. It’s a security feature you don’t even think about until it means something to you.

Perhaps that’s why we always think a “real job” is the solution to our woes.

In the here and now, if I don’t do marketing, no one does marketing. If I don’t go to client’s places to work, no money gets collected. If I don’t do the editing, planning, networking, blogging… it just doesn’t get done. All of these things go into making Insanitek a real job, and while I have a few great science bloggers on the freelance team and amazing graphic designer, the only person that’s doing a lot of the necessary work is me. That means when I go down, so does Insanitek.

It’s not exactly a proud moment when I go down and my company stagnates. But this time was different. I was able to connect the concept of “get a real job” out of the fear I felt at the time to the same reasons others often tell me to get a real job. It’s fear.

Fear of failure. Fear of bankruptcy. Fear of feeling like a nobody. Fear of letting people down. Fear of success that comes too quickly.

The fear, whatever it may be, is more than real. It’s as visceral and soul shattering as if the fear were to manifest despite everything you’ve tried. It’s that hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach that renders you unable to eat. It’s the desperate clawing you have inside your mind to make ends meet no matter what. It’s the anger that makes you shake when you realise you have to make some tough choices.

When I woke up from that long feverish sleep, a week behind on things that needed to be done for Insanitek, clients dependent on me, and a burning need to pay the bills, yet too broken down and ill to move — I simply cried. I had no idea how I was going to pull off this stunt and keep things running.

Instead of killing myself, I opted for healing sleep (about two weeks worth of it), lots of fluid, and the truth after the fact. Sure, I’m up shit creek right now with subcontractors to pay, a nearly empty bank account, a to do list a mile long, a house that is utterly trashed, and still barely any energy to speak of. There is no silver lining in this except the fact that I’m a stubborn mule that will limp back along to life, force myself to visit clients (even though the germs need to be swept out of the house), and put on a cheerful face.

The fear is so very close to being real, which is what makes it visceral. I don’t want to fail myself again, and being the homeless terrifies me. That is nothing compared to the weight of guilt I’d feel with all the subcontractors that are relying on me for money.

And all of a sudden I understand my fiancé when he says something like, “All you need is a job that pays $16/hr.”

It’s fear of what could happen in the future. He’s about to get laid off, wants to go back to school. But what if unemployment and our part-time jobs can’t carry us through? What if he wanted to go back to school and they cut resources even further? What if I can’t make Insanitek provide for us?

Everyone feels this fear at some point in their business. Everyone. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Will you let it eat you so you don’t try? Will you try and possibly fail? Your life. Your choice.

And when you feel the fear, know you are not alone. And if you feel the sting of failure, also know you are not alone. But also know you had the strength and courage to try to live your dreams.

Featured image found on G+ in Chrysta Rae‘s photography challenges, used with permission of the photographer, Heather Szarka.