While you are struggling to make changes in your life, there are going to be nay-sayers. They will have their own reasons for trying to make you feel guilty for your choices or manipulating you into doing what they want. How you react to them, their words, and their actions is purely up to you. The consequence of your actions and decisions will always be yours to deal with, and those that manipulate you generally do not care what the outcome is for you — so long as they get their way.

I learnt this lesson the hard way.

You ARE stronger than the manipulation or manipulators.

Over my life I have had to deal with a great many people who fear change of the status quo. As I struggle to dig myself out of the hole I’m in, I’ve run into all manner of attitudes from supportive to apathetic. However, the ones that hurt the most are those that try to make me feel guilty for choosing to work hard in the face of their fun — especially when they were family or friends.

I learnt that I am the only one that has to deal with the consequence of my decisions: Calling into work and missing a day so someone else can benefit from my presence, choosing to go to grad school over working a “real job” in the real world, going into archaeology and geology versus finance. The list of options goes on, and I’ve always chosen what would make me happy in the end, not what was “cool” or “easy”. And this, of course, opened up the field for guilt trips and attempted manipulation from family, friends, and acquaintances that didn’t like or agree with my choices.

Dealing with it didn’t come easy.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with drama. I don’t deal with it well, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I call people out on their shenanigans, make them feel tiny, and often get the label “bitch” applied with all the scathing the name caller could muster. I’m not afraid of confrontation, though, nor am I afraid of being labelled a derogatory name by those that don’t respect me in the first place as even being human with dreams of my own. This can work in some situations, but not others, so I learnt to be tactful about dealing with this particular obstacle without getting myself burnt at the stake.

1. Understand the person. When you take the time out to try to understand the person, you can garner insight as to why they might be trying to thwart your progress. Are they jealous? Are they trying to keep the status quo? Is there something else going on? Each person is different. Some are afraid of change, others seek power, and others just genuinely miss you and worry about you. Finding out their reasons for acting the way they do can open up a platform for discussion and negotiation that doesn’t degenerate into name calling and poo-slinging.
2. Once you understand the underlying currents, choose your weapons carefully. In some circumstances, a few choice words are all you need, while in others you might have to give them a hug. This is where you will have to sort out the relevance and importance to you, personally, and if you are willing to deal with the consequences of the choices to follow. Some people are worth sacrificing a few hours of the day for, others are not. For example, I willingly sacrifice my evenings that I could be working to keep things going on spending some quality time with T. I would not want to sacrifice my evenings to be with most anyone else. The weapons you choose to use now reflect the sacrifices you are willing to make for the person that is holding you back.
3. Consider your delivery carefully, then act. This is crucial to being able to come to a resolution quickly. If you are willing to make sacrifices for the person that is holding you back, consider being gentle, yet forthright. Present options and limitations, but be willing to work with them on a middle ground. There will be times, though, when you have to just pack it in and walk away all together. Some people are just not worth the sacrifices they demand from your life. In the end, it’s your choice, and you are going to have to live with the consequences of those choices.
4. Hold your head high. You have taken the mature route to trying to resolve a conflict that allows you to live your dreams. There are times when it will be hard to make the choices, especially if love and family is involved. However, you should never, never feel guilty about attempting to work through the conflict with them, then making a choice that tries to benefit you both. If they can’t accept you or your dreams, they are clearly not the type of person you want to be surrounding yourself with to be successful.

Word of warning: It never gets easier.

I have been called all manner of names, been torn down by family trying to guilt trip me into doing something, or been made to feel like a trite moron for not being part of the crowd. It still hurts when it’s a supposed loved one or family. And there is always someone in your family that tries their damnedest to make you just like them or be with them on their time. Sometimes it’s possible, other times it’s not.

Do not let them make you feel bad for those times that you can’t be there because the consequence is too great.

You’re doing the best you can; if they are inflexible, callous, and quarrelsome, then that is their weakness, not yours. Just be the most understanding, caring, and considerate you that you can be. Then you’ll have a reason to hold your head high while you make some of the toughest choices of your life.